How To Navigate Grief During Remembrance Holidays and 12 Ways to Show-Up For Those Grieving

The current season of celebrations and remembrance including Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, and Father's Day are rightfully ours to honor and enjoy. The season also calls to my attention some areas of loss and grief that people may be experiencing. These holidays can be a reminder of who or what is missing. One definition of loss is “the absence of an important person, place, or thing.” Grief is “the emotional experience that is the result of the loss.”  I’ve heard grief described as the cost of loving someone or something that we no longer have.

There are many types of grief, and the loss is sometimes ambiguous or disregarded. If you find yourself grieving or noticing the grief of others at this time of celebration, here are some thoughts about how to work through it and/or support those who are grieving:

Grief and loss are unique to each individual and situation. Grief just is what it is. Grief is exhausting and uncomfortable to say the least. There is no one-way street through it. It is not prescriptive. Our losses and grief have similarities but are never the same for anyone.  It is not up to us to define how another person processes or feels. The best thing I’ve learned about grief is to simply allow space for others to process in their own way and at their own pace. The notion that grief is tidy and complete in a 12-month time is simply not true. Grief is messy, non-linear, and everlasting. 

Let go of judgement. Judgement of another’s grief serves no healing purpose. Grief is not a competition where scorecards are to be kept. David Kessler states, “judgement demands punishment.” He goes on to clarify that when we judge how another grieves, especially if they grieve differently than ourselves, we are sending the message that the other is doing something wrong. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Show up. There is no script or choreography for this. How and when we show up for others depends on our own capacity, what we have to offer, and our relationship with the griever. As a griever, we also need to show up for ourselves and befriend our grief. Showing up can look like anything, including the non-inclusive list of ideas below. Most people want to hear or share stories about their loved ones. Some people need to receive affirmation of their loss. Let the griever know their loss is noticed and not forgotten. Your job is not to fix, but to offer support in ways that you can and are meaningful.

1.     Make a meal, help with a chore or childcare, visit one another.

2.     Call, send a card, email, or text. Be open to possibly not getting a response from the griever.

3.     Ask “What is this like for you? What do you miss most? What is your favorite memory of them? What do you think they would be like today? What do you think your loved one would think of ____?”

4.     Allow for good days/moments. It’s okay to have happiness and joy mixed into the grief journey.

5.     Remind the griever to treat themself as a best friend and be gentle with themselves.

6.     Give the griever or yourself permission to decline offers for help, the option to not respond, and the option for feedback as to what would be helpful.

7.     Encourage the griever to take small doses of what they used to do and build up tolerance over time. (ie. Go to a ballgame or concert, visit with others, grab a cup of coffee, go out to eat, grocery shop, etc.)

8.     Encourage continued connection with the loss. Reminisce. Memorialize. Honor. Take a trip, volunteer, or host a celebration in honor of the loss. Enjoy the loved one’s favorite meal. Visit their resting place or favorite spot. Listen to the music they enjoyed or attend events they liked. If the loss is ambiguous, imagine what they would have liked or done and simply honor that.

9.     Count the wins – sometimes this is just getting out of bed. Other times this is a good belly laugh about a funny memory.

10.  Normalize the pitfalls. Grief is messy. It will have very difficult spots.

11.  Attend a support group that is cohesive.

12.  Draw on faith/spirituality. Have a conversation with the deceased if it feels right for you. Write a letter to the deceased or journal about the source of loss. 

You do not need to grieve alone. Coriander Living Collective is here to support you on your grief journey. Reach out!