Bibliotherapy: The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin, D.C.
Physical touch is one of our core human needs. But touch can be complicated! As infants and before we have a voice, we are touched whether we want it or not. As children, we’re told to give Great Uncle Tom a hug even if our body is saying, No, I’m not comfortable. We’re told to finish our dinner even when our body is saying, I’m full! This theme of allowing touch and tolerating body discomfort whether it’s wanted or not, seems to permeate into our adulthood.
Dr. Betty Martin has spent over 40 years investigating why most people tolerate unwanted or unsatisfying touch. She believes that we all need to know that we have a choice in what happens to us. That we need to tune into our body signals of “hell yes, no, or maybe.” That we are responsible for our safety and our experience of pleasure, and need to express our limits and set boundaries.
“You don’t give consent, you arrive at consent- together.”
Martin has created the Wheel of Consent framework to help us learn about what we really want, empowering us to set limits, to create clear communication, and satisfaction in relationships. Her book, The Art of Receiving and Giving, takes a “pleasure-forward” approach helping us to wake up and access our pleasure pathways.
“We are built for pleasure. Pleasure is a biological guide to what is good for us: fresh air, clean water, food, rest, movement, touch, play.”
Martin believes the more able we are to speak up for ourselves, the more able we are to speak up against injustices in our world. She challenges us to no longer “go along with it.” The Wheel of Consent is our guide to be choicemakers, how to arrive at consent with others, how to receive, and how to give.
“The world needs people who take responsibility for what they want and who respect the rights of other people so that we stop stealing land, labor, and resources, and stop bombing villages on the other side of the world…The world also needs connection.”
The Wheel of Consent appears simple, but the quadrants are quite nuanced and may not be what you’d expect at first glance. There is also a difference between how we cognitively experience something and how we experience it in an emotional, tactile way. Her book is 411 pages long if that gives any indication of how complex all this is! It’s simple and also hard to wrap your mind around! Here’s a video of Martin talking about the Wheel of Consent:
Due to conditioning, family and cultural expectations, and personal history, knowing what we want, how to express it, and holding clear boundaries can be challenging. If we’ve had our boundaries violated, boundaries can be confusing. If we’ve been victimized, trusting our bodies can be hard. Coriander Living Collective is here to support you in figuring out what you want, how to set limits, and how to engage in healthy relationships! We can heal trauma by empowering choice and voice.
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Martin, Betty, DC & Dalzen, Robyn. The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent. Luminare Press, 2021.
